Jacquie Lloyd
Administrator
member is offline
![[aim]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/aim.gif "[aim]")
![[homepage]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/www_sm.gif "[homepage]")
Joined: Apr 2004
Gender: Female 
Posts: 20
Location: Wales
|  | My experience of Depression and attempt suicide
« Thread Started on Apr 6, 2004, 4:46pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif "[Quote]") |
Once depression takes hold of you it is as though you can see no light at the end of the tunnel,it is like a deep mist has overcome you and you can see no way out.You just want the pain to end, the gloom to subside and not to see the pain that you see in the eyes of your loved ones who are hurting and cannot understand how you feel.
For me it was years of supressing my feelings and experiences over the years.I can only describe it as the expression "Pandora's Box" Have you ever heard of that saying? I kept all my emotions locked within me all the hurt and betrayal ,people i had entrusted with my problems who had used and abused my friendship.
There were many pressures especially growing up in such a strict environment ie with regards to my religion.
There were no exceptions but strict rules and for disobeying came a high penalty.
Throughout growing up you were told that music was not acceptable such as madonna etc idolizing such people was forbidden discos were a no no etc...
Forming friendships with people who were not of same religion was frowned on too,the world is evil etc..
I knew deep down that i was not going to be in the religion forever but at same time i felt trapped scared to even try another life that god would punish me as my family had stopped going it was impressed on me that if i did not go who would save us etc...i was told that my parents were not godly etc..
Things happened to me that i never recovered fully from in fact it would alter my belief in trusting anyone ever again.
One day though i met a man who was bubbly friendly etc someone who was genuine and caring and had a certain warmth that radiated from his personality.He was my bus driver and we would chat and i would then anticipate our discussions and look forward to seeing him his friend asked me to go on a date with him in a group i was reluctant at first and for two weeks i refused each advance i had just returned from being away from religion but he seemed so nice that on the next occasion he asked me out i agreed and it went from there at the time i was looking for new job and has he had some distance to travel to meet me i found a job close to him,this job however did not work out at all they wanted to fiddle the system and this was not in my nature or belief and after them not just using me as a 24 7 nanny and expecting me to work in burger van etc not part of job description and then them telling me of their intentions ie fiddling i refused.
So he asked his family if i could move in with them and they agreed so after only dating for 3 weeks we were now living together! I decided to find accomadation and he said he would live with me and thats what we did! two months in to our relationship i found out i was pregnant,at same time i was having hassle from my religion who would not let up at all adventually they came to my house again to decide on my future as i had said they could do what they want it was dispicable their tratment of me rally was it is only now on reflection you can see that a god they claim who loves all would certainly not rake up all issues etc...
I was disfellowshipped and a deep wave hovered over me i had never felt so isolated people i had grown up with turned their backs on me and at my engagement party last minute i had phone calls yto say they would not be coming etc...my partners family all rushed to salvage such a dismal affair.
My job was uncertain too so when it came that we were to marry that april i did not take a honeymoon got married on the saturday and returned to work by the monday while my husband took his honeymoon alone!!
We moved and life settled down then in the sept i had my son! and that started my episodes in hospital i felt a failure and that i was no good to anyone!
There was pressure by family for me to go back to work which i did it was such a wrench though to leave my son to juggle life a child house etc not to mention the rollercoaster of guilt dropping him off in creche etc watching him break his heart and mine too!!
I continued to work in 1998 though i got offered a job in social services-home help while the main boss insisted there was work the supervisor said there was not i was now juggling two jobs and needed an answer on the promise that there was enough work i gave up my main job-but the hours i was promised did not arise some months it was good others were bad so i started looking for another job and found the job i had longed for unfortunately i had a turn and ended up in hospital although i was only there for a week i was put on sick leave and my doctor assured me that he would put in good word but he left practice etc.. the result i lost my job and was told never to apply again..
It was gut wrenching i had longed for that position it felt like my world had been blown apart,i felt a failure and that i was worthless that everyone was better off without me so one morning i took all my tablets and waited a while before ringing my husband to tell him what i had done he in turn rushed home etc and phoned my mum etc..
All the way down to the hospital he was tamping screaming at me etc..understandable
I was sorted in hospital as you can guess doctors were not happy at all!! Chris and his mother visited me but as for my family they never came to see me not even one or two days later that hurt.
I was worried that i would be admitted into hospital and was asked why i had tried to kill myself i would not answer her just kept telling her i wont do it again so she let me go home.
I often feel bad about that day about the realization of what my son would have lived with believing it was his fault and husband too.Sometimes life is hard to deal with sometimes some of us can find the light at the end of the tunnel and although it might not shine as bright as we know it should, at least it shines!! but for some they just cant get out of the darkness, it does not in my view mean they are weak, but for some they can claw their way through life they can get back on that horse as they say persevere through the obstacles life has to throw at us.
My advice to anyone contemplating taking their life that they should confide their feelings to someone else i have lived through the bullying and through religion and you can get through it but not alone and not hiding away from those who love you and need you and who would forever be left with pain and guilt and who would miss seeing you wake in the morning as i know as a mother that if my children ever did something like that to me it would break my heart,i dont think i could live without them the pain would be unberable to live with.
Please get help speak to someone anyone but dont end a life that is so precious.
LOts of love
Jackie
| |
|
![[Home]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/home.gif "[Home]")
![[New Topics]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/topics.png "[New Topics]")
![[Help]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/help.gif "[Help]")
![[Search]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/search.gif "[Search]")
![[Login]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/login.gif "[Login]")
![[Register]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/menu/register.gif "[Register]")
![[Search This Thread]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/search2.gif "[Search This Thread]")
![[Reply]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/reply.gif "[Reply]")
![[Send Topic To Friend]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/sendtopic.gif "[Send Topic To Friend]")
![[Print]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif "[Print]")
Author
Logged