Jacquie Lloyd
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Joined: Apr 2004
Gender: Female 
Posts: 20
Location: Wales
|  | A New Chapter Begins
« Thread Started on Dec 26, 2004, 5:10am » | ![[Quote]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif "[Quote]") |
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Well as everything Life Changes and takes on a New course and for me it has changed so much this Year and now a New Life is Beginning for me and My two children.
This October i could take no more of my husband continuous changes in moods and the constant domination of me,so this year after his final walk out which normally would be two minutes he walked out at 8.30 at night with threats which i would not mention on here but it left me in an imotional state which lead me to finally gain control and i made the leap that i have never taken before and actually packed his bags ...which came as a shock to me let alone anyone else....
I waited for him to return with emotions fraught with concern ..I dont know how long i waited by the phone and how many times i tried to dial his mother not even sure of what i was to say worrying as to what he might of done,i could not concentrate and just waited as years of time ago were embedded in my mind as to times when my family had waited before only to hear of the news we had received of loved ones we had lost...
Finally at 4 am he returned with shock as to see what i had finally done.
To my horror as i had known my son had heard everything that was said as i too remember being that same child who had to know all which as a child comes the deep intense feeling of burden which i hope will aleviate him unlike what it did to me-I can only hope and prey that it will and be there for him as much as i can and help him through his pain.
His Father left that day and i watched as my family was torn apart.
I was left to deal with the debt,the pain and a fathers anger.
I am not free from blame it is not easy to accept that you Failed,you see i believed strongly in my vows to death do you part,it was just i was dying inside and could no longer carry on even to myself that the marriage was over had been for many years just he was not willing to let me go and yet there was no spark no glimmer left to relight.I had become a machine and my feelings roboting i cared deeply for my children and even those around knew my love was empty and yet seemed happy to watch me live a life of pretence.
With everything Freedom as a price !!
I saw countless doctors,he was constantly sending them my way and well as you can imagine i shrivelled up in many ways the weight dropped as it had before my appetite was no longer disguisable...i could no longer hide as i had managed before to hide that i was not eating .
The weight dropped completely i now was back to beginning that path again and luckily not in hospital this time,thanks to my doctors and support workers who i had confided in this year i was saved as they knew what was happening although my health was a concern and still is....My blood pressure has been very,very high i am now having machine to monitor it and tests etc for my liver etc.
But as i said i am a fighter,YES i wanted to run who wouldnt yes the world seemed cruel ! My life was falling apart i now had less time with my children i let him have them 3 days me four,so part of me dies inside they were my life and now you have to learn to find new meanings to life.
It is now getting slightly easier my ex still is not giving up hope and me i am begining to carry on.
I am hoping to start in college in January which is based with Home start so A new life is beginning.
My children are settling slowly harder for my son who has taken things so hard,i tell him we both love him and reassure him its not his fault.Sometimes mammys and daddys cant live together anymore but that they love their children very much and will always be there for them.
For me though it is starting time to get to know me again,to get to know the real me to get the confidence back and reclaim the Jaquie back !!!
To finally get to know what Jacquie wants in life !!
So here's Jacquies begining
To live life to the full to meet new challenges in life and people and to be happy as much as humanly possible
To regain control !!
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