Jacquie Lloyd
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Joined: Apr 2004
Gender: Female 
Posts: 20
Location: Wales
|  | My Experiences
« Thread Started on Apr 18, 2004, 7:41pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s2.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif "[Quote]") |
Many things occured during my childhood experiences that i had tried to subdue which after my son was born resurfaced-experiences that i was too ashamed to even confide in to my parent's even though they were not my fault but at the time i felt were.I trusted people and they had let me down,i believed in my religion and had faith in my fellow congregation who let me down.
From birth i was brought up as a Jehovahs witness by my parents neither of their families were of that religion although my grandmother(fathers side) well she believed but never actually carried on with it.My mothers family did not believe in the religion at all-in fact the only memories i have of my mums mum were of christmas when she woild buy gifts knowing that we would have to dispose of them as they were of father christmas,guns etc.We never missed christmas not as you would think as my mother woulod always buy us gifts and we would have a treasure hunt.
Although the one thing that i did find hard was trying to stop myself from singing to "silent Night" and staring at people gathered around uniting together-Now i celebrate it all and thank god for my blessings my husband who adores me (though i dont know why) my children who i thank god for every day,i love them dearly a love that is never ending,may they always know how much i love them.
The religion was very strict,and for years we did not have much contact with my peers,when i did it was not easy i would not join gangs who would bully others-i did suffer from taunts,bullying etc-but in the end i did defend my corner.I believed in the religion i attended all meetings,my fathers job meant he had to work a lot,it meant that he started to come less and less,my siblings had to be dragged but i remained steadfast i was worried about my family i did not want them to be punished for not having faith-Elders and followers would make remarks say that my parents were not god fearing they were not faithfull as they did not put trust in god.I started to become withdrawn from my parents it was very frustrating but i could never really explain my emotions.I would wear smart clothes for the meetings and i knew it was noticed by the boys in my locality,things happened at first i confided in my parents but then i stopped,my dad well he tried to help but his method did not help-i became secretive
Other things occured i started dating a fellow believer we were young i cared deeply for him but we were too young to date in the sense of marriage but in our faith you are not to be alone with opposite sex unless in groups or with view to marriage etc...it was not always easy to go in groups as many of our friends were already married etc....it ended
Then a fellow believer started to comfort me i trusted this person as he was married to my friend my mum did try to warn me but i did not see i was nieve never thought this person would take advantage it destroyed my life,my close friendship with his wife and also my belief in others as i learned later that i was not the first he had preyed on but that he had prayed on vulnerable and that they were too worried to help me as they wanted to protect themselves.
I started to lose faith in everyone.Left for a while but then returned.
Then, well picture this,i was waiting for a bus which never came in pouring rain which arrived 30 min late -so i give this bus driver a piece of my mind-who is looking at me amused and beaming with cheerfulness and starts conversation with me.Well it continues that i would catch his bus and we would engage in conversation,i started to look forward to seeing him enjoy his company-his mate another bus driver introduces himself and asks me to join him and his wife and his mate Christopher,i decline but adventually give in.
We fall for each other i find a job near to him,but the job turns out to be a scam they hire me as a nanny and expect me to work as nanny,burger assistant,and claim dole and benefit so that they dont have to pay wages etc and they would claim other benefits-i would never commit fraud and also after being scolded i decide to leave my boyfriend chris asks his parents if i can stay with them.
Well in just on avenue i find both a house and a job.In the meantime i tell my religion of my circumstances .Chris proposes aware of the situation my friends were supposed to come to my engagement party-i have prepared everything and at last minute they all tell me they cant come the elders have clamped down-i was devestated.
Chris and i wanted a family and so we never took precautions we were getting married in a few months.
In the meantime i was being pestered by the elders.
I decided to put off starting a family as i wanted to sort my career out etc and we were getting married but as mum and i started to find a wedding dress i knew i was pregnant which was confirmed then the elders came and they interogated me scrutinized my life etc all my past everything-I was not willing to give up my job life etc so they disowned me.
I was left numb,it was the only life i had known and i felt guilty that i would be causing my childs fate because i was no longer a Jehovahs witness-I seemed to just go through the motions-i started bleeding etc but it stopped.
My wedding came but it was not the fairy tale i had dreamed of,i had borrowed a wedding dress and well it caused a row as we had to take off the tiara-Things just went from one thing to another-there was fighting in the night and my night clothes were not there it just did not go as planned.Also i was worried about my job as the manager was saying that she could not keep me on etc so i never took time off for honeymoon.
We moved to new house.
My son was born in sept 1996 it was a quick labour i phoned the hospital who told me just to come in when i could not cope with the pains,Theres me shopping getting slippers and feeling this enormous need to push my mum was supposed to come after she had finished work we had already been to her house.
As we went home to pick up my things it got worse we rushed down to the hospital with me trying to prevent the urge to push.It was chaos everyone trying to poke n prod my midwife took one look and told the others to leave me alone once she examined me she was shocked to discover that i was fully dilated i was whisked down to labour ward at 12.30 son was born 2.26 had to have an episiotomy as he was stuck and starting to struggle and cord was wrapped round his neck he weighed 8llb 1 oz he was jaundice.
He was not gaining weight in fact he was losing and they wanted to admit us both back in however he seemed to improve slowly!
I found it difficult though i did not know anyone in village and found myself returning to hometown to meet friends etc..which took its toll as i had to go on public transport which is a nightmare at best of times! I just ended up funtioning mechanically and progressively getting worse trying to be supermum,on go all the time sleeping less and less in order to get things done not wanting to seem unable to do everything! i stopped eating lost loads of weight i went to doctors but well by the time they did offer assistance it was too late and i had to be admitted in to hospital -i was terrified of the place for certain reasons,i though i had aids by the time i got in there i was so bad i did not even know who my husband was or my son! they stayed with me first night and son stayed two days but in the end they told my husband that having my son around was causing me alarm as i was frustrated as i did not know who he was! i thought i was in hospital because i was going to die god punishing me etc....
I recovered though and started to get back to normal i have had other spells in hospital although since 2000 i have not had another spell touchwood as they say.
My advice to anyone reading this and recognizes a similar pattern in themselves or family member or even a friend etc ..speak to someone or come on here for a chat no matter what your predicament i will be willing to listen without judgment.SEEK help!!! the longer we bury our heads in the sand the longer it will take to get better,sometimes sharing a problem will often alleviate a situation.
I hope you all the best,and hope to speak to you soon
Jackie
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